PD Revelation

I've mentioned before that my brief hospitalization in July presented an obstacle to my feeling consistently safe enough for pause to turn off more frequently or more lastingly. In recent months I believe continued concern about the possibility that the medical issue would recur has been the main obstacle I've faced.

A bit of background: The medical issue was a “small bowel obstruction.” (My presenting symptom at the ER was increasing abdominal pain.) Such obstructions can have many causes, some more serious than others, but usually do require intervention to prevent progression to a dangerous condition. In my case, it took the doctors a day and a half or so to conclude it stemmed from chronic constipation (a PD symptom) resulting, as I understand it, in some solid stool lodging somewhere in the small intestine. It was easily resolved, initially with a nasogastric tube (insertion of which was exceptionally painful) to relieve pressure, and then, once they realized what was going on, with a stiff dose of magnesium citrate laxative.

Up to that point I had paid scant attention to constipation, thinking it was fairly mild in my case. Apparently that inattention caught up with me. In any event, I surely gave it more attention following my hospitalization. Unfortunately, that attention was built on fear, fear of a recurrence. The problematic/irrational thought involved was along the lines, “It could happen again, and could kill me.”

And that's the kind of concern that tends to keep pause turned on. Though I was able to reduce the fear enough over a few weeks to turn pause off again, it was prone to reactivate, and has remained that way in recent months, turning off for about a day something less than once a month. And I'm pretty sure this has been in response to any returning flicker of fear of another obstruction.

It goes that way for some of us who find ourselves in the “gradual recovery” category. Discussing that, Zeljko at the Parkinson's Blueprint blog is exactly right when he says, “Even slightest existential fear or doubt and 'voila' – pause is on, accompanied with very well known PD symptoms.” So what can we do about that? Well, he's also on target in saying, “Only thing that is able to stop pause from initiating is feeling safe, in another words, love. Pause can’t tolerate love.”

So, much as a lingering cough slowed my progress for several months a year ago, this stubborn fear has slowed me down more recently. In an upcoming post I'll outline how I've been addressing this challenge within the JWH protocol, applying both self-administered CBT and the exercises of the protocol with an emphasis on love, gratitude, and joy. I'm making progress! Until then, here's a Bob Marley song about letting go of worries and concerns. :–)